90% of the time I look like a hungover Disney Villain

March 08, 2017

I've just recently given up a bad habit.
The kind of bad habit that when you actually do begin to give it up, you feel like you are going to lose your goddamn mind, and the stupidity of everyone around you makes you feel like ants are crawling all over your body. The kind of bad habit that going without makes you feel like you're one irritating Facebook comment away from a padded cell. The kind of bad habit that wreaks havoc across your face like Hexxus across FernGully.

In an attempt to both distract myself from the overwhelming desire to stab anyone who annoys me with a rusty butter knife, and hopefully salvage my face from the ravages of excess...I'm trying some new (to me) beauty products. Now, y'all...I love me some beauty products. I'm a VIB member at Sephora, and I used to get to the max  level of rewards at Ulta (before they changed their rewards program). My rule, however, is that any product I use must be cruelty-free, preferably vegan. I will not use products that are tested on poor, non-consenting animals who spend their lives in pain and torment when common sense would tell you 'DON'T GET STUFF IN YOUR GODDAMN EYES YOU FUCKING MORON'. Test on humans all you want, leave the pure, sweet beings that grace this misery of a planet alone!

Where was I?
Oh, yes. I found a line of beauty products that I'm falling in love with. I mean, so in love that I'm planning the next 10 years of our lives together. The line is called Nip+Fab. It is cruelty free according to their website, and all products are vegan with the exception of the Bee Sting Fix line. You can find the products via the Nip+Fab website, Ulta, Target's website (I don't have a location near me that actually carries it, so it may be available only via their website for pickup or delivery), it looks like CVS and Walgreens are the same situation as Target, and OF COURSE, my favorite...Amazon (use Smile.Amazon.com and consider choosing Rancho Relaxo as your charity, please!!!!!). I'm an Amazon Prime whore, and many of the Nip+Fab products are Prime eligible. BEST OF ALL, these products are super affordable, and from what I can tell so far...super worth every penny.
I wanted a nighttime routine that would help repair some of the damage I've done to my skin, and hopefully allow me to wake up with some awe inspiring, Disney Princess level radiant skin (What? Miracles happen, right?). I also have discoloration from when my skin went INSANE, and cystic acne ruined it after I quit taking birth control pills, so I'm always in search of something that might help fade that (and my freckles...shut up, I hate them). So, here's what I started off with:

Glycolic Fix Night Pads EXTREME
I paid $11.99 with Amazon Prime
5% Glycolic acid in addition to salicylic acid
Use 1 pad a night, 2-3 times a week. Once a week for sensitive skin.
'To refine pores, brighten complexion, and de-congest the skin through the improvement of the skin's natural exfoliation process.

Alrighty. Sounds like fun stuff, right? They do make another option, with only 2.8% glycolic acid if you can't handle the EXTREME! I'm a fan of instant gratification (even though I seldom, if ever, get it) and going tits out, all in, jump right into the fire with things...so the big bold EXTREME beckoned to me like a flame attracts a moth. I started using these last Wednesday night (today is Monday), and because I am in desperate need of something to make me stick to quitting my bad habits (and I'm also a wee bit crazy) I've been using them every night. I don't recommend that for everyone. Those with dry or sensitive skin types...y'all gonna need to not follow my extremely greasy faced example here. Now, I don't plan on using them every night forever, no I think even my Exxon Valdez oil slick disaster of a face will start to rebel against all that acid at some point. I just wanted to kick it off hardcore...EXTREME! 
Verdict: Love it. My face had been on the verge of an epic breakout thanks to stress, binge eating my feelings, and sheer laziness brought on by overwhelming exhaustion. Where's the acne now? G-O-N-E. My dull, grayish, Disney villain worthy skin has taken on a brighter, more radiant appearance already.  Typically I would I have empty half a bottle of MAC Face & Body directly on my face in order to even partially hide my dark spots and freckles. Today, while putting my makeup on through one sleepless, bloodshot eye, I only used one layer. When I got to work I stood in the bright, blinding morning light and was surprised that I didn't look like I might offer a teenager a poison apple. In conclusion, so far I love this stuff. I wanna write sonnets to it.

Viper Venom EXTREME Night Fix
I paid $14.99 with Amazon Prime
Time released Retinol, SNY-AKE (a dipeptide that smooths the skin surface for instant tightening), Vitamin A to stimulate collagen production, and hyaluronic acid for long term hydration, and intensive plumping effect.
Apply at night to clean face and neck.
To reduce the appearance of fine lines, wrinkles, and retexture skin while you sleep...so you wake up to smoother skin with a youthful glow.

HOOOOOOOOOOly Moses, how can you resist something with a name like Viper Venom, amiright? Then, as if that wasn't enough, they threw that EXTREME at me again...basically making it impossible for me to say no to its siren call. I'm glad I did. Now, this stuff is thick. Think of the thickest, whitest, stickiest substance you know...yeah. So, I recommend that you start off with a small amount and slather it on slowly until you get more familiar with the gooeyness. Y'all...this stuff does tingle a little...but not in a bad 'oh god, god I'm turing into spiderman, orViperMan rather' type tingliness. Just a slight, 'oh, hey...that's odd, but not entirely unpleasant' tingle. Sit back, shut up, and let it work its magic on your face. I try to let this dry a good bit before I lay down, as it will glue your face to your pillowcase if you slap it on and immediately try to drift off to dreamland.
Verdit: Immense amounts of love here. I've woken up to skin so soft that I can't stop stroking my face (which kinda freaks people out), and I do have more of a glow about me lately as well. So, I'm either knocked up or it's working.

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