I'm Hen-pecked

April 03, 2017

Top Ten Ways Chickens Are Better Than Children
or
Why my kids are better than your kids.


1. They Make Me Food: Have you ever thought about all the different ways you can cook eggs? There's a fuckton of different options. I, myself, like Eggs Benedict...or deviled eggs. My kids produce these wondrous creations for me. Daily. What does your kid produce daily? Headaches? AND my eggs ARE actually free range from spoiled pampered, very loved babies. Nothing you buy that says 'free ranged' actually is. Your eggs = cruelty.

2. I Can Lock Them Up At Night: There's not a chance in hell that any of my hens are going to come walking into my room at night, wake me from a dead sleep, and ask for some bullshit like water or if they can crawl in bed with me. It's a good thing too, because I have a tendency to punch anything that wakes me up. No, they put themselves up when the sun goes down, and I lock the door. I guess you could lock your kids up outside at night...but you'd probably get a visit from DHR.

3. Requirements: You know what my kids require? Food, water, clean shelter, and their eggs collected. There's no spending a fortune on back to school supplies, or doctor's visits, or play dates. I never have to worry about going into Walmart, and them begging me to buy them a toy. You know what a toy is to them? A plastic coke bottle, filled with treats, with holes drilled in it. They'll kick it around for hours. 

4. Bathing: They bathe themselves. In dirt. It's cute...and serves a purpose. 

5. Running Their Mouths: A chicken will never repeat things that you've said in the most embarrassing ways, at the worst possible time, in front of people you'd never want to hear. Now, they will fuss at you if you have the audacity to visit without bringing treats. I'm pretty sure my girls have absolutely filthy mouths...they learned it from their mother. 

6. Smarter Than Your Toddler: Chickens have skills that most human children don't start to develop until age 4...including self-control.

7. Great Listeners/Therapists: I have spent many afternoons sitting in the grass with my hens, just talking to them. Most of the time, I'll have 2 or 3 perched on my legs either starring at me, or sleeping. Talking to them, and listening to them softly cluck back at me (there are different patterns of clucking/cooing/singing for different things) has helped me through many rough times. They could be telling me I'm an absolute moron, but they do it so sweetly that I don't even care.

8. Siblings: For the most part, they all get along...there is that whole 'pecking order' thing. From time to time I have to yell at them to stop trying to peck each other's eyes out, but that's all parents with multiple kids, right? I've developed that mother thing where I call them all by each other's names until I get to the right one lately...but they'll answer to 'Hey, you...get the hell back in the goddamn fence. I'm drunk, and I don't have time for this' as well.

9. Easy To Please: You know what thrills my girls? When I toss them a grub from the garden, or some spinach leaves. I'll bring them a watermelon, and suddenly I'm the greatest most wonderful being that they have ever encountered. Make them some frozen treats to enjoy in the face melting southern heat? I'm their chicken goddess.

10.  Love: If you don't think chickens are capable of love, you're wrong. They show more love and affection than most people you'll encounter. They'll never tell you that they hate you, or that you're a bad mom. The thing is, I'd love to have human kids of my own, but that's not something I have the opportunity to experience...but my little hens give me an enormous amount of love, and that's enough for me.

Where the fuck are my treats, Mom?

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