I Am Jack's Complete Lack of Surprise

June 04, 2017

My head is in a weird place.
A place I never expected to find myself in again.

 It's 3:30 in the morning, and I just dropped the man I once thought was 'it' for me off at his place. A man who was not only my lover, but my best friend and the person I trusted above all others. The only person I have ever let past every wall I have, and made myself completely vulnerable to.

 I had to start this blog because my old one had become a shrine to how much he hurt me. It chronicled how completely and devastatingly he broke every part of me. There was no chance in hell that I was ever going to forgive him. No one had ever been allowed that close to me, and no one had ever destroyed my heart and my spirit in such a catastrophic way before. How could I ever get past that?

Had we not broken up, today (June 4th) would have been the 2 year anniversary of our first date. We've known each other far, far longer than that though. Now I find myself in a position where I have let him back into my life. Not only that, I enjoy his friendship. It still hurts if I think about the past, but I've truly forgiven him for hurting me. I had to let all that pain and resentment go because I honestly enjoy being around him. He is one of the only people that I am completely at ease with no matter how deeply depressed or incandescently happy I am. There is no one else I feel like I can 100% be myself around without judgement. I feel like I can breathe easy in his company. His friendship means more to me than the righteous condemnation I may get from others.

 I never thought I'd be at a place in life where I would ever willingly say that I care about him, and value our friendship again. Now that I have, I'll be goddamned if I'm going to apologize for it.

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