Peter Pan syndrome is not attractive

July 25, 2017

Too many guys have unrealistic expectations of who I am.
What they are expecting to find when they meet me apparently does not live up to the idea of what they think I am/who I should be/what they've heard.

I am not stick thin. I am not a perfect little pin up doll. I am not some nerdy, manic pixie dream girl that is going to make your life instantly more exciting. I am not just going to sit and smile at your bad behavior.
I am usually disheveled. I have my own emotional baggage. I will always be a little more punk rock than a lot of guys are attracted to. I have a mind and a will of my own, and I have absolutely no problem putting you in your place if you're out of line.
I'm not here to live up to your expectations.
I don't have to conform to what you think is attractive just to please you.
I am just fine sending you on your way.
I don't need you.
I am all I need.

The thing is, I thought I had found my person. I honestly thought I was done with all of this dating bullshit. Our relationship wasn't perfect, no relationship is...and people are fond of telling me that I deserve better. It's bullshit. I was happy with him. Yes, there were times when I wanted to walk away and be done with was hard...but to me, what we had was worth fighting for. I would have rather had a lifetime of fighting through the hard times together, than be without him. He, I thought, accepted me the way I am. I didn't ever feel like he wanted me to be a fake, plastic, perfect doll without a thought in my head. He liked it when I got smart with him, and we had amazing conversations on all kinds of topics. I could actually talk to him...for hours. I could be myself 100% with him. My true messy, sarcastic, nerdy, stars-in-her-eyes-in-love, goofy self. And I honestly loved him as-is...every damaged piece of him (You can read just how much in this little post). I would have gone right on loving him, and fighting for him, for us, every day of my life if he hadn't walked away. The truth is, every now and then, when something happens in my life, or I see something that excites me, he's still the first person I want to tell. But I can't...and it still kinda hurts more than I like to admit.

All this bullshit has a point.
...and that point is...
I think I'm ready to start dating again.
The problem is, I am not signing up for this newfangled type of dating where you woo someone until they fall for you, and then you disappear off the face of the goddamn planet. None of this constantly asking someone to 'hang out', but you don't want to get serious in case something 'better' comes along. No. Fuck all that. Fuck anyone who wants to play those little games. If you're in my age group, it's time to grow the ever loving fuck up. Peter Pan syndrome is not attractive. Be a fucking grown up.
At this point in my life, if I'm being ignored, I will just forget that you even exist.
I don't NEED to I don't feel like it's necessary to put up with bullshit from someone who doesn't act like they want me around.
Dating isn't something I feel like I MUST be doing to be happy. I'm just finally at a place where I feel like (after all this goddamn bullshit and melodrama) I'm open to the idea of letting someone special into my life again. Simply being at that point is a huge step for me. So, actually doing it is going to require someone pretty fucking special showing up, and making an effort. Otherwise, I'm content as hell to just chill with my dog and cat until the apocalypse inevitably happens.

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