I never sleep alone.

August 16, 2017

I'm laying on my comfy queen sized bed, watching the fan toss my gauzy bed curtains around, Dobby tucked happily in my armpit, Aslan curled up behind my knees...and my mind starts to wonder. It settles on something I try hard not to think about. My entire life, all I've really ever wanted, my biggest dream, was to find someone who loved me with as much passion, kindness, and dedication as I love them. Someone who is as dedicated to me as I am to them. No lies. No cheating. No point where I'm the only person putting my whole heart into a relationship. Too many times I've found myself in relationships where I've given my heart and trust to someone who doesn't feel the same for me. Someone who just doesn't want to be alone, or someone who uses me or wants to control me, or someone who just wants someone to play with until something better comes along. I've cried myself to sleep too many times over lies and unfaithfulness that I easily saw through, but let slide because I didn't want to lose that person. What about their fear of losing me? I'm pretty sure there wasn't any.

I've spent so long wanting someone to love me and appreciate me. I've craved someone to cuddle up next to at night, and not lay awake wondering how many more lies and instances of unfaithfulness can I tolerate...or when they'll leave. I've longed to know what it's like to be with someone who is as passionate about me as I am about them. What's it like to be with someone who isn't ashamed to tell the whole world that I'm the woman he loves? 

As I lay here, I think maybe I'll never know...but then again, maybe I already have it. I have Dobby and Aslan. They would rather be curled up against me at night than anywhere else. They don't lie. They don't leave me for someone who seems better. They love me. When I'm sad, they kiss my tear stained cheeks and cuddle me. They may allow someone to hold them for a minute or two, but it's my lap they prefer to be in. No, they aren't human, but the love and joy they bring into my life is real and unwavering. I go to sleep with puppy breath in my face and a huge ass cat taking up half my pillow every night, and feeling very much loved. 

Maybe that's all I need.

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