I visually enjoy you.

August 01, 2017




I can't flirt.
At all.
I was born without any natural feminine wiles to speak of.
That internet meme that says 'I don't need to flirt, I will seduce you with my awkwardness', that's pretty much me...but with a 0% success rate in the awkward seduction department.

You would think that being the anxious mess that I am, lacking in any of the female flirting tactics that seem to come naturally to others, would be enough of a burden to my romantic life. But no, someone thought adding a dash of emotional baggage to the mix would be fun...and then added a fucking ton of it for good measure. So, we also get to experience the damage done by my last relationship thrown into the mix. When you're me and you finally, for the first time in your life, let all of your massive walls down (thereby letting someone completely in, and giving them your complete trust and love. Holding nothing back.), and they in turn lie, cheat, keep you at arms length (AFTER they've ensured that you've completely fallen for them), and basically treat you like you're unimportant until they want your attention...YOU DEVELOP A LOT OF GODDAMN ISSUES. My trust issues manifest in the bizarre way of me not trusting myself. I was head over heels crazy in love with my ex even when others told me to get the fuck out and run, even when I KNEW he was cheating and lying...so I don't really trust my own judgement.

Also, I do try to flirt, but I have a goddamn dirty as fuck mind, and I turn everything into raunchy absurdity if given half the chance. But only if I really like you (or you're a good friend who is used to my rotten mind). I don't even TRY to flirt with people unless I'd like to get to know them. Hell, most of the time, if someone leaves me a flirty comment on social media I'll ignore it...as I do with most of my social media comments/messages. I try really hard not to give anyone I'm not interested in the impression that I am. That's just cruel. Plus, I always have in the back of my mind that women mistaken for flirting are often told they are 'asking for it' when violence is perpetrated on their person by people who allege that they were being 'led on'. So. I'll just ignore you on social media, and try to get away as politely as possible in public. I'd rather be called a bitch than have someone mistake my politeness for an invitation I'm not giving.

The problem rears its ugly head when someone I actually would like to flirt with comes along. In the last year, there haven't been many people I've wanted to flirt with (one, there was only one for a whole year), but that's changing. I've finally shaken off the unholy darkness of the last couple of years, and I am ready to emerge from it a wiser person. One that is ready to venture back out into the possibility of dating. Problem is, I don't do small talk and my flirting is inevitably seen (by the people I actually want to flirt with) as me just being nice or extremely awkward. Add to that the fact that I am shy as fuck...gun shy thanks to past relationships...and pretty much terrified of most men. Kinda makes flirting harder than it should be.

Solution? You got me. I have no fucking clue. Maybe I should take a tip from my sweet dog, and just start licking the people I like.



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2 comments

  1. Thank you beautiful for sharing this.

    Tulsa Murse

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  2. I have no idea who you are but you seem to be literally my feminine equivalent. I can't even flirt on a dating site. Its sad.

    ReplyDelete